Iron Friday! “Surviving Orc Encounters” by Sara Stonehearth

“Ello! Welcome to a special edition of my best selling survival guide! This month we gonna look into surviving an encounter with a savage, brutal orc!  We are right now far inside an entombed valley, somewhere deep in ancient Nagrand, we…  wait… here one comes! It’s a big one!”

Grom Hellscream “You there… Dwarf! How dare you desecrate these graves!”

“The first job, don’t panic! Orcs can be feral creatures that spook easily.  Start by making eye contact and holding it to tell it you ain’t gonna back down, keep staring as you slowly begin taking off your clothing one at a time.  The act of removing your garments will confuse and befuddle the creature.

Grom Hellscream “What… what are you doing!?

“We got it flustered!  Now get down on the ground, don’t break the eye contact! It’s important you keep it focused on you! Once down, crawl slowly over to it in a subtle manner, getting ready to put ourselves in a better position.  We are trying to establish on the orcs heirachy as strong yet submissive!  Once you get close enough, reach in and yank out the penis!  Do it quickly before it realizes what has happened!”

Grom Hellscream “Who… who are you talking to… HEY!”

“YOINK! Now that you have it, stroke the penis vigorously to relieve some pressure, before grabbing the balls.  Now you have taken some of the control away, but don’t get cocky! Ahaha! Believe it or not, an orc can power through most testicale pain.  What we gotta do is knock the wanker right out with a good cream.  Take ya lips and wrap them around the head, making sure to get a good seal around that throbbing knob.  Once you got it to fit, suck like a murloc entered in a beauty pagent!  Never break the eye contact!

*long string of slurping sounds commences.*

Grom Hellscream “Oh… oh shit…  Why is this working! Ahhhhhhhh!

Bloody hell! He was a real canon, that one! Once climax has been reached, you can sneak away, or engage in some pillow talk, I ain’t gonna judge!

Congradulations, lads and lasses! You just survived an orc encounter!

Check out next time when I brave the peaks of Highmountain! Cheers!”

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